Briefcase Chestnut

Hi, I'm a pituitary giant working at the circus, which size briefcase should I get? Watch video

You want the bag to fit your body size. If you're huge, then you'll look even bigger with a smaller bag and if you're small then a big bag will make you look like a real little fella. In my humble opinion:

• Pituitary Giant circus performers and men over 6' 5" I recommend an 18"
• People 5' 10" - 6' 5" I recommend a 16". It's a nice size for air travel and for larger laptops.
• Folks 5' 4" - 5' 10" should get a 14".
• Smaller framed folks - 12".

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Where can I see one of the bags in person?

I don't have any of the items in stores and we're not big fans of folks coming to our home in San Antonio because of the weirdo factor. My sister, Patricia and her husband (my Chess and Scrabble nemesis), send out the leather from their place near Ft. Worth, Texas, but again, because of the weirdo factor they're not set up to show either. If it helps, everyone tells me that they look better in person.

How can I get my spouse to understand that I need this?

Here's your rationale: Buy the best, cry once. It's all about the cost per year. In college, I bought a pair of very expensive shoes for my job as a waiter. I couldn't afford them, but I bought them anyhow. They were really light and comfortable and took me through two years of waiting tables and one year as a limo driver and another year of occasional use. And then they still looked good for a month of Sundays. Cost per year was about $25. Most of the other waiters bought a new pair of $55 heavy and uncomfortable shoes every 6 months because theirs wore out and looked ratty by then. One of the principles the successful in the world understand is this: If one buys quality from the start they save money. Don't be penny wise and dollar foolish. This will be one of the most savvy investments and inexpensive leather pieces you'll ever have. And remember, you must truly love yourself before you can love others. A couple of other things to think about you'll be more popular. Everybody isn't buying one. I'll invite you to my birthday party. What's wrong, you chicken?

Which color should I get?

Pick the one that fits who you are. I've observed what the bag owners tend to be like based on the color they have chosen over the years. The category below that fits you best is probably the color you'll enjoy most. Also, to help you decide, you can take this test http://www.oneishy.com/personality/personality_test.php

You'll be amazed at how it helps you decide. Remember, your first inclination is usually the correct one.

Tobacco Light Brown (Sanguine)

• Easy going

• Laid back and casual

• Likes old Land Cruisers

• Forgives quickly

• Creative (enjoys writing)

• Loves big dogs

• Traveler

• Never met a stranger

• Low maintenance

• Lots of random thoughts

• Inventor

• Funny

• Loves the outdoors

• Adventurous

• Only wears clothes because you have to

Carbon Black (Phlegmatic or Choleric)

• You look good in a thick black leather jacket

• Rides a cruiser type motorcycle

• Wear thick black framed glasses

• Drives a Volvo or Saab

• Perfectionist

• They know your name at the coffee shop

• Sci-Fi is your favorite genre

• Are very interested in Oriental culture

• Prefer cats over dogs

• Loves modern contemporary style square furniture

Chestnut Reddish Brown (Choleric or Melancholy)

• Professional

• Highly educated

• Belongs in a Mercedes Benz or Jaguar

• Classier than most

• Perfectionist

• Has excellent taste in dressing and decorating

• Great sense of humor

• Intellectual

• Smokes a pipe instead of a cigarette

• Appreciates the finer things

Dark Coffee Brown (Phlegmatic or Choleric or Melancholy)

• Loves the outdoors

• Is the best friend of many people

• Reads a lot of books

• Loves big dogs

• Intellectual

• Loves adventure

• Independent

• Musical

If you still aren't sure, then just buy all four colors.

Are the animals tortured before they are slaughtered?

Absolutely not ! With some pigs we do use waterboarding and sensory deprivation techniques previous to slaughtering them, but the cows do not require any special handling.

How do I change the bag into a backpack? Watch video

Disconnect the shoulder strap completely. Attach the end of the shoulder strap that is closest to the buckle of the shoulder strap to a rear bottom d-ring. Run the shoulder strap through the d-ring beneath the handle along with one shoulder pad and then attach the other end of the shoulder strap to the opposing rear bottom d-ring.

Are the animals tortured before they are slaughtered?

Absolutely not ! With some pigs we do use waterboarding and sensory deprivation techniques previous to slaughtering them, but the cows do not require any special handling.

How much do they cost you, Dave?

Well, I lived for three years in a $100 a month apartment in Mexico with no hot water, because of these bags. My dog, Blue, and I drove for thousands of hours all over the North American continent because of these bags. I had a crooked Federale sent to kill me because of these bags (I convinced him that Señor Alarcon would never pay him) and we became friends). I've shed gallons of blood and tears and sweat and at least a quart of other people's, because of these bags. I've slept in my car or on the rack of my old Land Cruiser at least 150 times because of these bags. I've lost weeks of sleep and have gone hungry for days because of these bags. I was broke for years and even had to trade two of Blue's little puppies for a month's worth of tacos in order to eat because of these bags. I've been detained by who knows how many Mexican police because of these bags. I've thrown away thousands of dollars and made hundreds of mistakes because of these bags. I've been stolen from, taken advantage of and robbed because of these bags (they even stole Blue once, but I got him back). All of these things and more have happened to me because of these bags. They cost me a lot.

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